When Mom Guilt Creeps In: The Quiet Struggle of Modern Motherhood

Article by Sarah Lyons, LSW and Myriam Sanchez, LCPC

The house was quiet, but Kilani’s mind was not. Exhausted from the day, she noticed crumbs from breakfast still littered the kitchen floor. Zaire’s toys were scattered across the living room like landmines, and Elyna’s baby monitor crackled softly nearby. Kilani sat on the couch, staring blankly at her phone, lost in a scroll of “Super Moms” sharing their perfectly filtered vlogs. She had snapped that morning again. Her son had only spilled juice, but exhaustion got to her before patience could. Now, the guilt settled in like a thick fog. “Good moms don’t lose it so easily. Why is it not easy for me to be like those moms I see on Instagram? Good moms have more patience. Good moms don’t wish for five minutes alone…”

Where Does Mom Guilt Come From?

The term maternal guilt was first introduced in the 1930s, describing the guilt mothers felt when they perceived their parenting as inadequate (Newell, 1934). 

Two key ideas feed this guilt:

1. The Motherhood Myth

   This myth promotes the idea that mothers are solely responsible for their children’s well-being, no matter the father’s role. Research shows that mothers are often disproportionately blamed when something goes wrong with a child (Liss et al., 2013). This myth is also often fueled by the shifting mentality across our generations. Our moms were often stay at home moms (almost 50% of moms stayed home in the 1960s), doing it all for the kids and the household. Now, more and more moms have joined the workforce either part time or full time (only 28% of moms stay home). Yet, we still believe that we should do it all on the home front like our SAHM moms did.

2. Intensive Mothering

   Intensive mothering is the belief that a “good” mother must be completely devoted, self-sacrificing, and endlessly patient. Perhaps feeding into this idea are the perfectly curated images we see on our social media; our peers showing off the 5% good parts of their days, leaving us to compare the 100% good and bad parts of our days. Not a fair comparison. Trying to live up to this unrealistic expectation can lead to overwhelming stress, burnout, and guilt (Liss et al., 2013).

   
   
   
   

What It Does to Moms

The Emotional Toll

Guilt and shame can stem from comparing ourselves to unrealistic ideals, whether from our own parent figures, peers we see on social media, or characters on a TV series. Research shows this comparison and self-blame is linked to increased anxiety, depression, irritability, and even postnatal depression (Liss et al., 2013). We hear it in our office all the time, especially during seasons of high expectations for mothers (think back-to-school, holidays, summer vacations, Mother’s Day, extra-curriculars): “I wish I had more time to make homemade lunches like Suzie my neighbor,” or “My mom used to take us on weekly field trips like the pool, the zoo, etc during summers when we were kids.” 

The Physical Impact

Aramyan (2024) found that many mothers feel depleted, disconnected, and ashamed for even thinking about putting their needs first. It’s common to believe that asking for rest or support is selfish. So we do the “less guilt-inducing thing” and put the kids (and many other things) first. Putting ourselves last ends up taking a physical toll on our bodies: we are exhausted, our immune system is depleted, our energy is low, and our nerves in a ball.

How to Cope and Care for Yourself

1. Be Kind to Yourself

   Start by noticing how you talk to yourself. Are you nurturing or harsh? Notice when self-criticism pops up, and focus on self-compassion instead (Aramyan,2024). Practice these this week:

   
   

   • “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”

   • “I am still learning.”

   • “I can take things one step at a time.”

     
     

   Reclaim your hobbies, say “no” to draining commitments you can wiggle out of, or simply allow yourself to rest. Then ask yourself: “What is something I’ve always wanted to try, or something I love that makes me happy?” It could be small like protecting your 15 minutes a day to sip a hot coffee, or bigger like taking a weekly fitness or art class. Then go do it. This is kindness to your mind and kindness to your body. 

2. Ask for Help (and then let go)

   Many moms feel like they should be able to handle everything on their own (see Motherhood Myth or Intensive Mothering concepts discussed above). But the truth is, support is essential. Let go of the unrealistic expectation of doing it all or being the “perfect mom.” Real moms aren’t perfect, they're doing their best, and that’s more than enough. Many of my mommy clients have shared feelings like, “I should know how to do this,” or “I feel inadequate asking for help.” But the truth is, it takes a village to raise a child, and it’s okay to lean on that village when you need to.

   
   

   If asking for help out loud feels difficult, try using tools to communicate your needs more easily:

   • “I need help with…” sticky notes strewn across the house, or a white board where you write down your requests

   • Send help-request emojis or agreed upon code words to supportive members of your village

   • Weekly check-ins with your partner or support system

   • Sharing your Google or Outlook calendar with others

   • Practice these phrases aloud: “It’s okay to ask for help, I don’t have to do it all” And “Even if they said no to my request for help doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have asked.”

     
     

   Once you send your request for help, the key is to delegate, let go, and let that person handle it. Asking for help needs to also mean that we close that tab in our brains and let the helper help.

3. Let It Out Safely

   Everyone needs a safe space to release the stress and frustrations of daily life. It could be journaling, recording a voice diary, enjoying a girls’ night out, or speaking with a therapist. Some even find relief through physical outlets like a workout or a jog. Whatever form it takes, the key is carving out the time and space to prioritize this release. When you begin to build awareness around self-compassion and allow yourself to seek support, you create room to explore what truly helps you decompress. Find what allows you to release pressure in a healthy way and make it part of your routine. 

In the End, Moms Are People Too

The truth is that motherhood comes with immense love but also immense pressure. We want to give our children the world, yet we often forget to leave space for ourselves. But as Brené Brown reminds us, “You can’t love your children more than you love yourself (Motherwell, 2022).” Being a good mom isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present, honest, and human. It’s about giving yourself the same grace and care you offer your children. Self-care isn’t selfish, it's survival. And it’s the first step toward being the kind of mom you already are: a real one, doing her best.

References:

Aramyan, G. (2024, August 16). 6 Tips from a Therapist to Overcome Mom Guilt — Therapy with Gayane. Therapy With Gayane. https://www.therapywithgayane.com/blog/mom-guilt?

Galley, J. (2014). Stay at home mothers throughout the years. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. https://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2014/beyond-bls/stay-at-home-mothers-through-the-years.htm

Liss, M., Schiffrin, H. H., & Rizzo, K. M. (2012). Maternal Guilt and Shame: The role of self-discrepancy and fear of negative evaluation. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 22(8), 1112–1119. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9673-2

Newell, H. W. (1934). The psycho-dynamics of maternal rejection. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 4(3), 387-401. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1934.tb06302.x

Motherwell. (2022, October 6). How a Brené Brown book helped me let go of the perfect mom myth. Motherwell. https://motherwellmag.com/2022/10/06/how-a-brene-brown-book-helped-me-let-go-of-the-perfect-mom-myth/?